Well,
I'll be damned. I pulled the logicboard to measure F3000 and F3001. Both have continuity, and are intact.
Swapped the two paddle boards for further fault elimination, and refitted the motherboard.
And... all 4x USB-C ports are now working normally?!

And yes, I did do an SMC, PRAM, etc reset before this whole exercise.
Is there a CD3215 fault state that requires a complete power cycle to unlatch? I'm genuinely puzzled by this. Here's hoping the...
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